Why does marriage go haywire?

by Isaac Kalembe

I've just been discussing with colleagues over why relations (especially married life) finally go haywire. Here is my position:

1. Marriage is the most difficult institution.

2. There are few genuinely happily married couples.

3. Since marriage is a treacherous territory, the foundation of a happy marriage is love, trust and faithfulness.

Those three ingredients should be there from the word go.

Love: By love I mean the ability to be selfless in anything in relationship to the other person (s). Look beyond the physical appearance of your spouse (beauty/handsomeness), social status, connections, etc. Look at the inner person (character and personality). Ask yourself: "Is this the man/woman I'd like to spend the rest of my life with?

Compromise: You should be able to compromise, forgive and tolerate. It's impossible to get a clone, or a person with 100% of your likes and dislikes. But if s/he can meet at least 70% of your values/likes, then go for it.

Trust: Give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse. Believe what they tell you. Avoid spying on them or trying to find out what they do in their private time or even at their place of work. Don't even entertain rumours about them. Try to keep what you do to yourself.

Faithful: Be faithful to him/her. But remember, we are not angels, but human beings. Humans are fallible - have weaknesses and make mistakes (including lust, infatuation, or even cheating)! Being faithful does not mean you don't have your doubts about your lover/spouse. But simply treat them as such (Ekyotarozire tikikuruma-that's our Runyakitara proverb).

Timing: Do not rush to marry; take your time. It's not advisable to marry in teenage or adolescence age. You should be at least 27 years and above. For men, it's preferable to marry in 30+ (35 is better). Do not marry your agemate. There should be at least a gap of 5-7 years.

Similarly, grow with age and experience. Experience is the best teacher. As you grow, your perspective and values change. For instance, should you divorce your spouse because they have cheated on you? Or, is sex the be-all and end-all of marriage? Certainly yes, buy one's answer will vary depending on your age and experience.

True, humans are, by nature, selfish. Nobody would wish to share their spouse/fiancee with another person (I stand to be corrected as we've a few exceptions, for example, okurirana (sharing of spouses among close family members or clan/tribemates) in Western Uganda or the Tooro adage: omusaija tayangwa...literally a woman should respond favourably to any man's advance). But such liberalism is not good and merely an exception.

Cautious: Always think through your actions or intended actions. Do not act on impulse (emotionally) or under influence (alcohol, drugs, peer pressure, propaganda, etc). Act in a sane and mature way.

Responsibility: Own up to your actions. Always accept the outcome of your actions whether they are positive or negative, good or bad. There is little need to regret anything you do. But, if it's adverse, act honourably: confess, recant and ask for forgiveness genuinely. Even if the other person may not forgive you, it will clear your conscience. And, pray over it. By the way, prayer should be at the forefront of your plans and actions.

Morality: Morality and religion go together. Try to lead a morally-upright life. By this I mean, do not be a bad person; be good to others and to yourself. This rhymes with my definition of love above. Avoid doing evil (but do not confuse evil with human weaknesses/follies - things that any human being is culpable of, for example, lying, sex, anger, hunger, crying, or any form of emotional breakdown at one point or another). That's why I do not subscribe to such practices as celibacy (leading a sexless life) - yes, one can abstain, but not leave without sex. Similarly, one can fast, but not live on an empty stomach). That tantamounts to suicide! I do not believe in virginity/chastity beyond marriage age (35+).